It's amazing to me how someone's world can change over night. At 37 weeks, I started having vague pains under my ribs and we went into the hospital assuming that it was nothing. After a few hours, we found out that I had HELLP syndrome. This could have been a terrible scenario and could have deeply affected both Addi and I, but God made this vague pain stand out to me. I was then told that I could have an induction without an epidural, or a C-section. This was not how I had planned for my first delivery to go. My pastor has been talking about how life can be "unscripted" or completely different than what you plan. He talked about how Joseph never thought his brothers would sell him or to become so prominent in Pharaoh's palace. My plan was for Addi to grow a few more weeks and deliver her without a hitch. This wasn't what God planned.
Within 5 hours, I had called my family to let them know we were going to have a baby that night. Everyone started rearranging schedules and I prepared for my first surgery. The worst part was that Jordan couldn't be in the delivery room because I had to be completely put under. You see, my platelets had been low my entire pregnancy and low platelets means that I couldn't have an epidural for the C-section. With tears running down my cheeks, Jordan kissed me before going into the delivery room and I was completely silent. I was secretly praying and fearing this unscripted reality. Addilyn was born 5 lbs and 12 oz and was such a bundle of love and happiness. Jordan was able to have some time alone with our daughter before I was rolled into the room. I don't remember anything from that night other than Jordan putting my finger on Addi's face and taking a picture that certainly showed how I felt at the moment. I heard the joy in Jordan's voice and that had me sleep soundly.
One by one, my family started coming in and meeting our little one the next day. I didn't realize how much joy Addilyn brought to this family as soon as she was born. There were so many happy tears and smiles. Everyone went out of their way to meet her. I was in so much pain, but I was was well taken care of by Jordan. You never realize how much someone loves you until they have to support you in the aftermath of surgery. Not only that, but my family came to stay and made me feel like a queen as I recovered.
Within this month, we have seen Addilyn grow and change. She is now the size of a normal infant. Her weight dropped in the first week to 4 lbs and 15 oz. That was a worrisome scenario, but she is now at 6 lbs 6 oz. It's funny how I expected her to be about 8 lbs and she was born so tiny. I loved hearing her first cries in the hospital and seeing Jordan get up to take care of her. Her newborn clothes were, and still are too big and every hat has to be tied to the side because of her head being so little. She graduated from a sponge bath to a bath in the sink flower (cushion for the sink) and now loves her bath. Bassinets are not her favorite and she just likes being held. I can honestly say that I know what she needs at most moments of the day, and when she is doing the fake versus real cry.
Something changed in me the night she was born. My thoughts have shifted from art and housework to wanting to sit still and hold her. Some would say that this spoils a child, but I say they are only little once. My goal for each day is simply to show her and Jordan my love for them. For years I have been organized, timely and on task with my job, and now I don't keep track of the hours in a day. Most days I go to bed tired and wake up tired, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. My prayers usually come when she is satisfied or when we pray as a family every night. Hope comes in the thought of her growing up to love God and love people.
This time has shown the love of people for our family. I have had baby showers from people I know and don't know that well. Even with us attending our church only since February, meals have been brought from our Life Group every three days. My family has come to stay, let me rest and cleaned my house as they stayed. Strangers I have never met, have been the ones to send gifts for Addilyn. She has gotten more packages than we have lately. I am constantly writing thank you cards and am truly grateful for everyone celebrating her with us. I am amazed to see how God has had so many love us and love her already.
I simply want time to stand still at the moment. I am already seeing her change and love how God has stepped in repeatedly to show His love. I have learned the hard way to let others help me as I healed. God designed this amazing process of growing and having a little one and I don't know how anyone can doubt His existence. I have to be honest in that I have not been making time for Him as much as I need too. Most moments I am either sleeping or some way trying to meet her needs. The aspect I love about God is His grace. I know He sees how I am spending my time and He will run through my thoughts in those still moments.